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# Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
# The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
# It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
# Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
# Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
# No one is listening until you fart.
# Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
# Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
# If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
# Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
# If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
# If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
# Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
# Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
# Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
# The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
# There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
# Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
# Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
# Never miss a good chance to shut up.
# We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.
# Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
# There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
# There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
# Everyone seems normal until you get to know them